Where I’m Standing

You know, I’m not very good at writing or even saying the right things at the right times. I’ve always struggled with that. So I’ll do my best here and just know that my intentions mean well.

These last few months I have had a constant ride on the struggle bus. It’s almost like I feel as though I am going through a mid life crisis (if thats even possible at this age of my life). But I have been so wrapped up in depression and mommy guilt it sounds crazy I know.

I’ve become so sensitive the last few years that I don’t even know how to handle that! I have always been know as the b*tch. Maybe that’s because I speak my mind and I prefer to be independent.

I have always been a workaholic and that has always come first. When my kids were babies and I did stay home, I quickly realized that wasn’t for me at that point in my life. Of course then you start to feel guilty because who wouldn’t love to stay home with their kids. If I’m being completely honest, I don’t even remember my kids being little.

That is so disheartening when you think about it. But when you have 2 small children very very close in age and life is hectic and chaotic and you are just trying to make it through each day, well those days slip by. It makes it hard to remember all the things that most parents remember about their kids being little.

Yes, it is sad and I’m sure its my fault and I’m the bad parent and I should remember everything. Let me tell you, those days were hard. They were hard because I struggled with a 1 year old, a colicky baby, postpartum, a husband who worked practically 24/7 and not having family or friends close by to help.

My kids eventually started school and somehow I managed to become a stay at home mom again. Not only did the kids start school but they started after school activities. The days started to go by quickly and it was a constant rushing of who goes where and when. I envy the people who truly love this lifestyle and who truly remember all these memories.

Its hard. Something hit me like a ton of bricks a few months ago. I never slowed down. I never slowed down to soak up those precious moments. I never slowed down enough to cherish being able to make it to every soccer game, dance class, hockey practice or game. I never slowed down to enjoy the ability to go to their class parties, and halloween parades, and thanksgiving feasts.

In fact, I always put something else before these things. Work, I put work before going into school for parties, I put work before going in and having lunch with my girls while they are still little. I have broken their hearts time and time again and I never even realized it.

To say that I have been overcome with guilt these last few months is an understatement. I am sad that I have no memories to hang on to. I’m sad that I have let their little lives pass by so quickly without standing back and capturing those little moments that mean the entire world to these two sweet girls.

So, if you aren’t seeing my on social media as much lately its because I am so overcome with this guilt of being such a horrible parent that Im trying to fix it now. I’m trying to navigate life so not only do I have memories to hang on to but so do my girls.

We all make mistakes and its ok. I made the biggest mistake by never slowing down. Never taking it all in. Not only do I feel guilty but I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I am that mom and person.

Right now I am working on being better at those little moments. Since I have started this blog and I’m posting about different things I have been making and trying and doing different things while the girls are at school. And you know what? They are so excited to come home every single day and see what I did or what I made that day.

They love to give me to-do list for them and I am loving doing that to do list. I have been trying so hard to just slow down. I noticed it last night. As we were once again driving to activities with 2 kids needing to be in different places at the same time. I noticed that I wasn’t rushing, I wasn’t stressed. I enjoyed that time in the car with them.

I remember my mom saying that she always used the drive time to chat with us. Yes, I am turning into my mom and it is certainly not a bad thing since she is pretty awesome. But I used that time to chat with my girls and they enjoy it to.

Ive also been trying to spend time with each of them separately. Not only am I enjoying it but they are too. One loves to shop and I have no problem taking her and walking around the mall. Its time that we get to spend together and she is open and chatty and its been giving me a happy heart. The other likes to eat, so we have been going to grab lunch on the weekend and that makes us both happy and chatty.

I don’t want to forget what these girls were like being little. I want to create memories, when they are older I want them to have something to cherish and remember. I have those memories of my mom and I will always hold them close to my heart and I want my girls to do the same.

So if you are wondering why I have been so quiet on social media this is why. I have been slowing down. I have realized thatI needed to stop putting work first. I needed to make memories and figure out what truly makes me happy. Right now I am not aligning 100% with the job that I am supposed to be doing. I needed to take a step back and figure out if I want to continue with that or if I want to continue with something else.

But in the meantime, I want to make memories with my family. I hope you are understanding and I’m sorry if I have let you down too but life goes to fast to not be aligned with your job and life. As of right now, I am not going out of business. I am just trying to navigate the path that I am on and which direction to take to make myself and my family happy.

XO, Tina

<3